Family Mobilization Briefings Today

So here I sit, on a Sunday...getting 8 hours of briefings with my wife on our deployment. Sleeeeepy Leiutenant, so very sleepy right now.

Another "prom" to go to...

In the military we love our social functions, and I had another one about a week ago. Any reason to get the Blues on, get the ladies in their gowns, and get obnoxiously drunk while telling lies and war stories usually qualifies as a good time. This past one was our unit "Red and White" Cavalry Ball, in which the even was from about 6pm until 11pm...and then the hotel bar thereafter. Everything is solid in my mind until the 9pm (or so) mark. From that point, it was Karaoke, talking the State CSMs ear off, and more Karaoke. Then it was various local bars of which I have little recollection, and then the hotel lobby telling more stories. I remember sitting in the hotel restaraunt the next morning just wishing I could die, after drinking a huge glass of water. Damn rum and cokes, got me again...

More pictures follow below:

Getting Ready to go

Ladeez at the table

Our table

One of my good NCOs

Karaoke, the need to share the mic at that point in time was so crucial

Taken a few weeks off

So I've been relatively busy lately, my life has been pretty busy getting ready for this deployment. Ironically, I'll probably have MORE time to blog whilst training or actually in theater. For now, as I approach our training start date things are just getting crazier by the day. As the Mobilization OIC for our Units, I have my finger on the pulse of everything that takes place and have to ensure all of my team are doing what they need to do so everything is executed on time and all of our requirements are met. It involves a lot of coordination and being very meticulous so as to not let anything fall through the cracks. I have a huge dry erase board next to my desk that I update daily, but the tough part is many things just aren't under my control...and that's when it can get sticky. To make things even better, my boss will accept nothing short of perfection, but that can be a good thing. The better news is that, in less than 3 weeks, when we start our mobilization, I get to do my "real" job of being an Infantry Platoon leader. More "hunter/killer" type stuff.

I've also been trying to cram my head with knowledge which will help during the deployment, and I really do have to know it because I'm going to hold all of my Soldiers accountable for knowing it. Things like weapons safety, clearing procedures, many things related to IED recognition and avoidance, Counter-Sniper operations, First Aid, Patrolling, and over 30 Arabic phrases. There's more but I can't think of it right now. The idea that we are going to just "show up" and succeed is ludicrus, just like any situation the more prep you can do the better. I will ensure my men have every opportunity to prepare and be successful.

So beyond that, it's been daily (for the most part) workouts, alternating between running outside and gym workouts (strength training or circuit). I must admit my running sucks ass right now, it's the winter and it's been so cold I just haven't had the motivation. This past week I was able to squeek out a slooooow 11 miles total (4, 4, 3) and I felt like crap each time. It's ok though, I'll get it back, but it's a far cry from the 30 miles/week I was running at an 8 minute mile pace.

This week will be a busy one (I had today off, yea for gubmint jobs!) with a late night planned on Wed and a long day Thurs in Columbus, and finally I'll be working Sat and Sun as the Family Mobilization briefs are those days. That's where all the families come in and get briefed on the mission, their benefits and points of contact while we are gone. I had to coordinate all the funding and payments for most of it, it was crazy.

Other than all of that, and besides working out and spending time with the family, I've been pretty much drinking every single day. Why not? Hell I'm taking 14 MONTHS off from drinking, might as well try to knock it all out now while I can.

Good times.

The great "white death" has arrived...

So here I sit, day 2 of no work. My daughter hasn't had school all week. The great white death has come and laid waste to my city. It's amazing what a mere 6 to 8 inches of snow and ice can do to paralyze a modern metropolis. I guess it's better this way, less drivers on the road and people are safer. Just watching the news, it's accident after accident out on the roads...cars snapping telephone poles and sliding through guardrails.

I must take this opportunity to talk about "winter driving." While I'm not from Alaska, nor having a lived my entire life in a northern state (and actually I'm from Hawaii), I have lived 5 years in Germany...a country which produces quite a bit of snow, but copes quite well. This due to their preparation and their rules/driving habits.

First of all, if you can't part your car in the garage, you most likely will end up with a few inches of snow on top of your car. Clean off the ENTIRE car before heading out. Snow thrown from your car, because your lazy ass is too ignorant to clean it off, can fly back and cause distractions for other drivers on the road! One of my vehicles in an SUV and I was out with a broom dusting off the top of it, it had to be done. Secondly, while driving in the snow/slush/white death, here are a few tips:

1. Momentum is everything, especially when going uphill. Don't let off the gas!
2. Minimal directional changes, think slow and steady. This requires a lot of planning and forward thinking prior to making any turns or lane changes.
3. Everything happens slow/steady/in advance. Braking especially!
4. Don't be afraid of the snow, just be careful. No need to overcompensate and drive 5 mph and actually make it UNSAFE as morons will try to pass you to the left and right.
5. If you are on ice, disregard all of the above, because you are fucked.

Finally, if you can, maximize your resources. An example of that would be to get behind two big ass snow plows and follow them for 10 miles, blowing through red lights and passing other losers like it was your job!

Check out the vid

Hunger sets in...

Damn I'm hungry! Its only 1010 and the pain in my stomach runs deep. I've been going to the gym twice daily, so I need to continue to feed the beast within. Lunch might end up being something other than a salad, that just wouldn't do the trick.

Good times!

Threw down on a little poker last night. Nothing like gambling to reinforce my good old American Values! Texas Hold'em is a great game, the art of the bluff is often undervalued. As the beer flowed, I became quite ballsy and bluffed my way to the large stack of chips pictured to the right. I was doing really well, until it was time to leave... I had promised that my wife and I would go out to another restaurant that evening, so I had to cash out prematurely and take her out. Considering that "the boys" at the Poker Table weren't going to be going home with me that night, it was probably a good decision.

Negotiations....parents and kids

Far be it from me to tell people how to raise their kids, but I must share something I witnessed which absolutely blew me away. Last weekend we had some guests over to the house, one couple in particular had a cute little daughter...maybe 4 years old? Things were going well throughout the evening, the little girl was having a great time playing with the other kids that were there and with the dogs. When it was time to go, that is when the negotiations began.

The little girl (understandably) didn't want to leave to go home. She was having such a great time! I sat there, and for 10 minutes, watched two adults (the parents) bargain with their 4 year old, in order to get her to put her shoes on, coat on, hat on. Threats to take away toys at home, or promises to "let you do this" if you put your coat on so we could go home. Or, would you like to see your cat that's at home that misses you? Finally I think they reached an agreeable bargaining point, and she consented and went with them.

WOW

Of course, this is nothing new. We see this all the time in the store when junior wants a candy bar, mom says no and he whines and the negotiations begin. Again, I'm a flawed parent and am still learning from mistakes I've made. However, it would seem that an obvious and standard "rule" in all parenting situations is that the parent is in charge, and the child does what the parent says. No questions asked, and I (as the parent) need not provide an explanation as to my thought process, and I seriously could give a fuck about what input you have on said topic. Let me caveat this response by saying that I believe a graduated scale should be used in that with age the ability for the child to reason with or provide courses of action to their parent should increase. Let's say that my 13 yr old daughter wants to go out to a skating party, and I say "tell me why I should let you go, I think you should be doing chores and homework." If she shows me that her homework is done, pulls her grades up online and they are acceptable, and gives me a good plan of action for the evening, then I could be agreeable to it.

Getting back to the original topic of smaller children though...I have a huge beef with this. If you don't establish dominance early, you will lose every time and end up wondering why your 10 year old is running your life. I'm not saying that we as parents shouldn't have compassion, or be flexible, but in fact we ARE the parents, we ARE the rule makers and owe are children NOTHING in the way of an explanation or reason. The old school term "because I said so" is perfectly applicable here. When I, as a 31 year old man who pays bills, holds a job, and feeds/shelters/clothes a child start becoming accountable to that child in ANY way....the world has definitely gone down the shitter.

If I were in that similar situation, the solution would have been simple. Get your clothes on, we are going home. Child wants to whine and cry? I put the coat/shoes/hat on the child and we leave anyway, and the child gets a firm ass chewing in the car. Child wants to continue to cry? Alternate measures are always available, and I'm not talking about "time out."

In the military we have a phrase, when in charge, BE in charge. When a parent, BE a parent. You make the rules, it's not a democracy but a dictatorship. If my kid doesn't like it, well TFB (too fucking bad).

Pricing of a gallon of Milk....WHY

Ever notice how gas stations, or stores like Walgreens/CVS post the price of a gallon of milk up so everyone can see it? My first question would be.....WHY? Seriously, if you need milk, you will buy it. You give not a rip what the exact price of a gallon is. Am I going to buy 30 gallons of milk at once to fill up my SUV?

I'm guessing this is a throwback to the old days or something, but I HIGHLY doubt people drive by and scope the various prices of a fucking gallon of milk...scouting for the lowest of the bunch.

Just tossing this out there, that I hate milk. I only "drink" in on cereal, and I barely eat that crap.

Guy project: Power tools and boredom

(Click the links to view pics)

Door Knocker
The problem: 2 years after buying my house my lazy ass decided to get rid of the previous owner's door knocker. The issue is, I went to Home Depot/Lowes and a few other stores and they didnt sell the right model. I was assed out. What to do?

Grindin!
Second best choice, GRIND off the name! Men and power tools = yeaaaa!

Progress
Stage 1, rough cut. Name is gone.

Stage 2
Hand Sanding, smoothing it out...

Stage 3
Application of cheap "metallic" paint...not exactly shiny but oh well!

Finished product
Looks good on the door actually, and even though it doesn't look factory fresh....at least there isn't some other dude's name on my front door anymore!

Protect yo shizzle....

Having been a victim of identity theft back in 2000, I can tell you that taking every precaution to protect your identity is more than worth it. I shred anything and everything with my name on it, credit card offers, statements, and other misc things I throw away around the home. It doesn't take that much time....you never know who might be dumpster diving through your trash! I also pay for credit monitoring (of all 3) and get alerts every time a hard or soft hit posts to my credit report, as well as monthly updates to my score. Think it's a bit much? Let me give you two examples of why it is worth it.

Example 1: Recently I was on the phone with a mortgage lender, just checking out rates and looking to see if a possible Re-Fi would be worth it. I got a hit the next day, this douchebag had pulled my credit report! I called back and asked when did I ever authorize him to pull my credit? He babbled about standard procedures and some other crap, he knew he was wrong. Although he did have some of my personal information, I never once authorized him to pull my credit, and that pissed me off.

Example 2: Like I said, I was a victim of identity theft. While stationed in Germany, someone got ahold of my info and ran up two phone bills (over $2000) in California! The addresses they used were bogus, and the accounts went into collection. You'd think that, me being the victim, the creditors would be sympathetic...NO. I had every possible explanation, orders showing I was in Germany, no affiliation to the addresses in California, letters from my Commander, and do you know what they wanted after all that: "Ok Sir, so how would you like to pay this debt?" They are ruthless, they don't care, and the dispute process is loooooooooong and drawn out. It took me almost 6 years to get that cleared up, and that was finally after emailing the CEO of the phone company.

Bottom line, being proactive is much better than being reactive. The $13 I pay per month to monitor my credit and time spent shredding docs is very much worth it.

Blaming "they"

Why are we afraid to claim responsibility for things as humans? Why must we blame a third party, so as to avoid conflict or personal responsibility? Inevitably, that third party is the ubiquitous "they." What triggered this post was a snippet of a conversation that I heard while walking through the gym. You have to walk by the racquetball courts on the way to the weight room, the area was packed with people. As I walked by a court, I heard this:

Man who I assume was playing but getting told to leave: "So, if you don't have a reserved court, you can't play? Does everyone have a reserved court here?"

Woman who had the court reserved in advance and who was getting on court: "Yea, I don't know, all I'm doing is what "they" told me to do..." In her most apologetic tone.

Seriously!!?? Not that you have to be an asshole but how about: "I'm not sure, but I have a reservation for this time so I'd appreciate it if you'd let me on the court."

People are so afraid of ANY conflict, so we resort to passing blame on anything and everything. Even when someone is wrong, they often blame "they" as the entity who "told me to do it." The best way to cut someone off when they have to dead to rights, is simply to admit it. Yes, I screwed up, sorry it won't happen again.

I'm convinced some people have kool-aid that pumps through their veins.

Parking: back in vs pull in straight

This is something that has confused me ever since I started driving, why do people back in to parking spots? In the military we do it because our vehicles are often large and have limited visibility. We have a "ground guide" assist and back the vehicle in, makes for a good combat park and ease of use when pulling out.

Backing in you Honda Civic...or even your SUV? Seems like a complete waste of effort to me. Let me shoot down some arguments "for" backing in, as I can anticipate there are some. The most prevelant would be "it saves time when I leave.". In a vacuum, yes you can probably pull out faster than I can back out of a spot, but not THAT much faster. Also, economics teaches us that there is no such thing as a free lunch, you pay for everything in some form. By that I mean you pay, and your currency is time, for backing in by losing time on the front end, which when examined as the big picture effectively negates any time savings whatsoever. While you are wasting time backing carefully into a spot, I've already pulled in, parked, and am walking across the parking lot.

Think about this too, when you back into a space, you oftentimes have to fit in between two spots with cars, so you have to be careful. When you are backing OUT of a spot, sure you have to look but you have the entire lane to back into, thus giving you much more battlespace to operate it!

I could keep going, but I've already squashed the argument...I win the "backer-inners" lose. Haha

Youtube Vid of the week

Hilarious....

click here

'nuff said!

Why are we such terrible drivers here in America?

I lived in Germany for 5 glorious years. The shorts answer as to why drivers in that country are far superior to drivers here is: they follow the rules, utilize common sense, and drive with someone other than themselves in mind.

Following the rules: Driving to the right, only utilizing the left lane to pass. Here we think we should just drive in whatever lane we want, this causes traffic problems.

Common Sense: The misperception is that there are no speed limits on the autobahn. This isn't true. There are areas with no speed restrictions, but when dangerous areas approach limits are imposed. It is expected that drivers utilize common sense for these systems to work, to police themselves. Can you imagine if we had areas with no limits? Carnage...absolute carnage would result.

Not being selfish: Driving with the greater good in mind, I refer back to the "drive right unless passing" example. How many idiots have you seen cruising at 55mph in the left lane, holding up traffic, causing frustrated drivers to speed up and make a dangerous right lane pass?

But whatever, it is what it is.

Ignorance and the double standard...

So I'm driving home and listening to XM radio. Flipping through the stations and hear this (paraphrased): "yea cause what niggaz need to do is let real niggaz in the game, cause these old niggaz are afraid of change...niggaz don't know etc"

This horse has been beat to death, so I won't lay out what's no doubt been addressed before. All I'm saying is, that shit is retarded and projects monumental ignorance...

Fuck it.

The joy of working the weekend...

One of the joys of working the weekend...getting up at 6am on Sat and Sun. I'm going to make up for it by going in late tomorrow. More to follow tonight when I'm drunk (of course).

Should I stay or should I go now...

So I'm in a class, sitting here doing everything but paying attention. I've already signed in, so I'm technically "here" the entire time and will meet that requirement. I can leave with no issue, I'm the 2nd highest ranking dude here...

I am at a crossroads if you will, a crucial decision making point...

When you are bored...

Your wife and daughter have been out of town for 10 days...you are in the gym late at night (past 9pm) and it's practically dead....

What else is there to do besides record yourself lifting weights? I've got vid of myself racing motorcycles, why not with the weights?

I must state that I had to utilize free software to convert my blackberry vid to wmv so I could upload it, that is why there is a watermark in the middle of the screen. Without futher delay, here it is...

315lbs on the bench

115lbs (each) with the bells

I might not be able to run you down, but if I catch you...it's over!

How in the hell do they escape?

When I leave I put my dogs (Mini-schnauzer and Pomeranian) in the upstairs master bathroom. Ok, we are talking about a door knob (not one with a handle) on the bathroom door...and yet, invariably, probably 50% of the time when I come home they have escaped and are downstairs waiting on me. HOW is this possible? You can't push the door open, isn't possible. My only theory is that the Schnauzer jumps on the toilet, to the sink, and then somehow paws until the door knob opens. But, how? She can't grip with a paw.... I say the Schnauzer because the Pom is an idiot, you look in his eyes and see the black abyss, not too much going on in there.

Maybe I'll hook up a camera and monitor them. I'm interested in just how they get it done...

More gym frustration...

Today, driving around the gym parking lot....for like 10 minutes looking for a spot to park. What the hell is going on? Dec 24th all over again? Did I accidentally go to the mall? Freakin ridiculous.

Here is what happened. I'm sitting on the upright chair, the one where the back is at a 90 degree angle, so as to give you maximum support for shoulder type exercises. I'm doing dumbbell shoulder presses, each dumbbell weighs 105lbs. So, not too light, my heaviest set. Once you are complete, you don't exactly set them on the ground. You can't really rotate a fatigued arm/shoulder down while maintaining positive control of the weight while "placing" it on the ground. A huge strain on the shoulder with a heavy weight could cause injury. So, I bring them down quickly, and release them about a foot off the ground. 105lb bells make a decent noise on the rubberized floor when you set them down. I HATE people that throw weights, so I never do that, but if you read my previous explanation, I felt justified in making a little noise.

Enter tool-bag #1, the volunteer guy who cleans up the gym and passes out towels. After that set I walked over to the water fountain, he motions to me (I had earphones in) and says, "don't throw the weights." I responded "hey, those are 105's, you don't exactly set them down." Then he goes on about how the weights get broken (hmm, maybe if you didn't have old ass weights and actually used the ton of cash you get from membership fees and grants to fix the WEIGHT room instead of investing in stupid cross training or cardio step rooms which never get used). Bottom line, I just looked at this tool, put my ear phones in and turned my back and walked away, not sure if he was still talking or not.

Amateur hour at the gym...

Wow.......WOW

Ok I knew this would happen. No place to park, extra crowded, barely can walk around the equipment.....I step away for 30 seconds to take a drink and someone is trying to use my shit. Hello! I'd be happy for everyone that's here at the gym now if I knew they would stay and make an effort, sadly....most will quit after a week, and the rest after 2 to 3 weeks. They will cite being too busy, just can't get back into it, excuse 1, 2, 3, 4 etc etc.

I'm not saying we all need to workout like 6 days a week, but our society is in danger, we throw garbage down our necks, never exercise and wonder why we and our small children are fucking FAT. And then............oh it gets better............and then..........we expect taxpayers to pick up the tab for your medical bills!? Wait, it's a disease! Someone forced me to eat 5 whoppers in one day!

Look, if ya need help, just ask. If you want to stay and workout, I applaud you. If you need a spot, I'm your guy. But, don't come here half-hearted and take up space, only to quit.

I'm not sayin, but I'm just sayin.

What you want to do, need to do, and what actually will happen...

I just made my "to-do" list. I'm staring at it, it fills up one side of an envelope...hell the envelope itself is a "to-do." It's the notice that I got from Brinks (alarm) that my CC had expired and I needed to renew and pay up 2 months past due. Dammit. So yes, once again I stare at this list, realizing the the biggest effort was racking my brain in order to come up with the list itself, knowing that only about 1/3 of the things on here will even be attempted... But I feel better for identifying these things, actually one required a short email to be sent, took about 30 seconds, and as I crossed that item off of "the list" it felt pretty good. Mission accomplished. Celebrate by taking a shower, not shaving (it's been 3 days) and going to Barnes and Nobles. From there I can buy Starbucks Coffee (I really don't like it all that much) and be around people while chipping away at my list.

The worst thing on my list: Online Bills to pay. I hate them, they happen every two weeks, be it a mortgage or some other bank account draining debt. I always put it off, never long enough to get a late fee, but just to keep the $$ in my account for another day, even though there is no doubt it is already committed and doesn't really belong to me anyways. So funny how that works, but I do it every time. Stupid mortgage! I think I'll stop paying altogether and just have my mail forward to President Obama, he will save me/bail me out. What? A political jab in my Blog? Did I just do that? All I know is, after Jan 20 I will no longer have to pay my bills, gas will be 5 cents/gallon, and it will be 75 degrees and sunny every single day with a 5mph wind from the southeast. I can't wait!

Youtube Vid of the week...

Click Here

Great vid

If you have been following popular vids on the internet over the past few years you will see many familiar faces in this...

O...m...g. I am getting old

Bottom line, I just played 4 hours of football (8 on 8) on a sweet turf field... Of course I rocked the QB position, we ended up in a 31-31 tie. The "I'm getting old" part comes in because my entire body hurts now. 1st thing I did when I got in the car was to take 1000mg of Advil. I was playing both offense and defense, until I decided to get froggy and scramble for a few yards and felt my groin pop. From that point, only offense...lol

Average age on the field was probably 20, and I'm 31. So I still got it, at least somewhat :)

Now drinking a Corona, it goes well with medication.

Comedy in the gym...

I don't claim to be "Joe fitness" nor have I ever aspired to get on stage and hit poses for the crowd, but I have been a faithful gym/workout nut for no less than 15 years. Having established my credentials, there are some things that just crack me up when I go to the gym, and yesterday was no exception. Granted, I applaud anyone for getting off their ass to do something, especially given that 2/3 of our society are chubby. It's the little things that crack me up though, and I'll name a few:

1. The "little brother" shirt: Ok, I wear cutoff sleeves in the gym, have been doing it for years, but on shirts that are still an XL. We all know Abercrombie shirts fit small to begin with, so why would anyone purposely buy a Medium and wear it to the gym? It's not even a gym shirt!? When your sleeves are up in your armpit, and it's not because your guns are huge and expanding the shirt, you probably shouldn't be wearing that in the gym...or anywhere for that matter.
2. The "wife beater" in the gym: Maybe when I'm outside BBQing, or cruisin down the street in my '64 Impala on the west side of LA...but in the gym that's a NO-GO. Seriously, don't want to look like I'm lifting in "the yard" at Pelican Bay. Buy a real shirt foo!
3. Bothering me (or anyone) when in the middle of a set: I'm bent over the weight rack, doing tricep kick-backs, this kid comes out of nowhere and says "excuse me" and took me off guard, instinct caused me to step back (cause I'm a nice guy), but true musclehead probably would have been like "can't you see I'm in the middle of a set dumbass?" Just wait until I'm done and then you can go after your 15lb weights. Friggin tool. I cut him some slack though, he looked newish to the whole gym scene.
   
4. Not putting away your weights: Yesterday there was a bunch of high-schoolers in there, or maybe college age but I'm not sure. Took up a lot of space and when they left, they left their shit just laying around the side of the free weight room. Dumbells everywhere, curl bars on the floor with weights still on them, towels not thrown in the hamper...WTF? I didn't know exactly who was the culprit, but if they had been in the area I definitely would have said something. Who wants to come behind someone and have to disassemble all that shit? Friggin amateurs.

So that was just from yesterday. I have a whole list of pet peeves from the gym (80's workout clothes, underarmor shirts, tank tops with gold chains, carrying the milk jug full of water etc) but I'll save those for another time. Usually I just go in there, put on my Rage Against the Machine music and ignore everyone. Still doesn't keep me from making some observations...as you can see.

Contimplating a boring ass weekend...

One can only go to the gym so many times, maybe I'll run outside too. If it were warmer, I'd take a motorcycle trip or something, shit it's too cold to do anything outside like washing the car or yardwork.

One thing is for sure, it could definitely be a lot worse.

So yea, I'm sitting here at work, wishing it was time to go home. Not that I have a bunch to do at home, but seriously this place is a ghost town.

This morning attitude versus this evening...

This morning: Damn, I gotta stop drinking this fucking much, where are the Excedrin? I'm gonna need some coffee, but don't feel like drinking it, just want water. Ugh...What? Oh hell yea I'm pouring the rest of this shitty rum down the drain, fuck drinking for a while. Yup, take your ass down the drain you evil evil beverage, you obviously force yourself down my throat, it's not my fault but yours. Must go back to sleep, why did the sun have to rise today? Why are all these lights on? If my dog barks one more time I'm going to punt his little ass into next week.

This evening: Hmmm....Ya know I didn't pour out the tequila, and there is still some Margarita mix leftover. Hmmm....

Funny how that happens right? I've resisted though, probably not going to tip any back for a few days, just to give the old body a break. Besides, I'll be going on a 14 month hiatus when I start training up to leave. I remember when I went to Iraq the 1st time, they had O'Douls, Sharps (non-alcoholic beer). Disgusting...

Best gift ever!

So my brother got me Family Guy Volume 6 for Christmas. Can I get a "hell yea!" I friggin L-O-V-E Family Guy, in my opinion there has never been a more thought out, intelligent, positive learning experience provided to the public via television. Once you watch this show you will learn to laugh all over again. Actually, the shit is funny, but that's because it takes everything that we hold sacred and taboo and exploits it, steps on it, makes fun of it, whatever you want to call it. Peter is the clueless overweight moron of a dad who can't even remember his kid's names, Brian the alcoholic dog who is constantly trying to bang Lois (the mom), Chris the idiot son who has a penis the size of a baseball bat and is scared of it, Meg the OCD daughter who gets meat thrown at her at school....and my favorite Stewie the mastermind of many plots to kill his own mother. Pretty much the typical American family right there!

So I'll provide you with a few of my favorite scenes:

You gotta watch The Puke-a-thon

Stewie asking Brian about a book he's been writing for like 3 years...

Peter on X

Stewie and Brian wasted

Gay car Alarm

and this last one is fucking classic

original clip here

Family Guy version here

Now that I've offended everyone, time to go watch my movies!